No, Then Yes

A tale of two emails

I was on vacation last week, and so was this newsletter for the first time. I felt super guilty about that, but then I convinced myself no one would miss it, and I didn’t have any big news to share anyway.

“Vacation?” you cry. “You don’t work! What do you need a vacation from?”

Yup. I agree. (More guilt!) I’m very lucky I was able to leave a job I didn’t enjoy and can, for the time being, rely on my husband to support our family while I chase my book dream and very slowly build what I hope will be a freelance writing career.

Maybe we can all agree he deserved a vacation—he works hard and it was his birthday—and I benefitted from the rest and relaxation as his plus-one.

Or I could offer up the fact that I spend my days thinking and writing about my mother’s journey with Alzheimer’s disease, which can be really sad and draining. And then to get no responses from literary agents or magazine editors and feel like it’s all for nothing? That’s even worse.

It was lovely to leave it all behind for a few days to reset my body and brain. I went to bed early, ran first thing each morning, ate wonderful food, and spent so many glorious hours lying by and lounging in a pool while reading an entire 400-page novel. And it wasn’t another grief memoir or a book about writing a book! It was a beach read, and I mean that as a high compliment—cheers to Jennifer Weiner!

All my frustration and anxiety was waiting for me back at home, but at least the weather’s nicer now and I can feel anxious in the sunshine!

This week

I struggled to prioritize what to work on. First I challenged myself to write 1,000 words each day. It didn’t have to be 1,000 words of a cohesive essay or 1,000 words of a chapter of my book, but 1,000 words of anything, just to get words out of my brain and onto a page. This worked for one day. I actually wrote 1,500 words! Then I got distracted by doing research for a new freelance pitch. Wait, no! Then I wanted to revise my book proposal.

I really thrived while I was writing the first version of my book proposal because I had a set schedule of which sections I would work on and when. If there’s one thing I can do successfully, it’s follow a detailed plan. When I have no plan, I flail aimlessly between tasks and wonder where the week went and why I got nothing done.

Note to self: Make a plan. Then stick to the plan.

Ending on a high note

On Wednesday, I got an email from a literary agent. It was a form rejection with no personalized feedback, but I was still excited to get something after several weeks of radio silence. (For those keeping score, that makes two rejections and eight non-responses so far.) It energized me to keep believing in my book and continue moving forward with the incredibly thoughtful, linear, and cohesive action plan I will create any day now. 👀

Then on Thursday, I got a surprise email containing my first freelance writing contract! I’d set a reminder to circle back in May with the editor who accepted one of my freelance pitches, but they reached out to me first with the assignment. Thrilling!!! I now have a signed contract and a deadline and stand to be paid real American dollars for a piece someone agreed to let me write!

This is the win I needed. I’m unabashedly jazzed. I dove into writing the piece and immediately settled into a flow state, where my words came quickly and easily. “Oh yeah,” I thought. “I’m actually good at this writing thing.” Sadly, I hadn’t had that feeling in a while.

Sitting down to write for an actual assignment is a hell of a lot more energizing than sitting down to write words no one may ever read. I mentioned this to my husband and he said, “It sounds like something I’ve heard of… something like a jo—”

I cut him off right there. DON’T SAY “JOB” TO ME WHILE I’M IN MY CREATIVE WILD-CHILD ERA.

Of course freelance writing is a job. But let me enjoy it as a fun, exciting thing now before it becomes just another mundane thing I do to make a living!

Don’t worry, I didn’t actually yell at my husband who supports me emotionally and financially and often physically, when I ask him to lift me up and crack my back. In fact, I need to say a few more things about how great he is.

Dr. Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” I often hear this referenced in a negative context, but it also holds true in a positive context for Aaron.

In 2010, we were both making about $30,000 a year at the very bottom of our advertising agency’s org chart, so you know I didn’t marry him with the idea I’d get to indulge in a creative wild-child era someday. Shortly after we met, he left a bag of candy I loved on my desk. He knew I was interested in learning about photography, so he also invited me to go on a hike with him so he could teach me how to use his fancy DSLR camera.

First, he gave me chocolate. Second, he offered to help me pursue a creative passion. He showed me who he was, and I believed him. He is still the same person today, making me coffee every morning (he’ll add chocolate if I ask) and wholeheartedly supporting my pursuit of a creative passion. He even takes me on vacation and, when I spiral into feeling like everything I’m doing has no purpose, he defends me from myself and argues for the magic he truly believes I’ll make.

He also reads this newsletter every week but never quite remembers what the platform is called, so he’ll say, “Nice Shortstack,” or, “I liked your Sub-blog.”

And for that, he gets his very own photo on my Shortstack, taken this week by our friend Tim, showing off his cool bike and killer legs. Thank you, Maya Angelou! 🙏🏻

I feel so lucky to have such a supportive partner, and try to let that drown out the (entirely self-imposed) guilt I feel for not financially contributing to our household for the first time in my adult life. It’s easier now that I’ve got my first assignment—something to show for all my flailing. I’m hyped to use this win as motivation to keep pitching, keep writing, and get myself to a beautiful place where seeing a “yes” in my inbox is no surprise at all.