Publish Early In Case of Emergency
Life comes at you fast
I was so pleased with myself for writing last week’s update on Thursday night and scheduling it to publish early on Friday. I quickly became extra glad because I wouldn’t have written it at all based on what happened first thing Friday morning.
I had just finished working out, then let my two dogs out into our fenced backyard for a quick potty, per usual. But instead of them going pee and running back inside for breakfast, my smaller dog, Pumpkin, got attacked through the slats of the wooden fence by a neighbor’s dog. It all happened so fast. Luckily, I was outside with them and was able to pull her out of the other dog’s jaws. Her lower lip was nearly ripped off. Aaron was on a work meeting, but he heard Pumpkin’s cries and my screams and ran outside to help. He held paper towels over her bleeding mouth while I hurried our daughter to a neighbor’s house so she could walk to school with them, and then we rushed Pumpkin to the vet.
She got lots of internal and external stitches and is wearing a cone until they come out in another week, but she’ll be okay.
I couldn’t stop shaking for hours, and my anxiety was at an all-time high for several days as I dealt with the aftermath with the dog’s owners.
If you’ve followed me on Instagram for a while, you may recall my other dog, Wally, and I were bitten by a dog a few years ago—it was same dog! The owners made the sad decision to euthanize their dog, since it proved to still be dangerous despite receiving intensive training after the first incident. The whole situation was just awful all around.
I share this because it had a big impact on my week. Lately I’ve been going to a coffee shop to write, which gives me hours of focused working time without the dogs bothering me, but this week I stayed home to manage Pumpkin’s meds and soak her food and treats in hot water to make them easier to chew and make sure she didn’t rub her itchy stitches into the carpet or try to wrestle with Wally. I made progress on the story I’ve been assigned to write, but I didn’t get as far as I hoped. Luckily it’s not due until mid May!
I thought this week would be dominated by heavy emotions surrounding my daughter’s and mother’s birthdays on April 29 and 30, but the shock and stress from this incident numbed me to some of the things I might have otherwise felt. I’ll certainly have a lot to discuss with my therapist next week.
Cheers to 9 and 67 🥳
We celebrated both birthdays over the weekend at my mom’s memory care facility, and she was more alert and interactive that I’d seen her in months! She not only had her eyes open most of the time, but looked us right in the eye and tried to speak several times. I think sharing a meal together helps since it gets her blood sugar up.
We ate Chipotle for lunch, and put birthday candles in bowls of chocolate ice cream for my mom and daughter since it’s easier for my mom to eat and Evie isn’t a fan of cake anyway. Several other residents joined in singing “Happy Birthday” with us and it was really lovely. It’s one of those foundational songs that sticks, neurological difficulties be damned.
It’s a crapshoot how I’ll feel any given weekend after visiting my mom. A few weeks ago, I left feeling filled with despair because she had her eyes closed the whole time and was nonresponsive. When I put myself in her shoes, I imagine she’s enduring a miserable existence, and my heart hurts so badly for her. I think I won’t feel truly at peace until she passes and is released from this body and brain that have failed her.
Other times, like this weekend, the rollercoaster takes another turn. I can still see light and life in her eyes, and I’m just thankful she’s still here. I try to be present and soak up all the good feelings and memories with her. They’ll sustain me through the darker times.
One last thought
I’ve long been grateful for the fact that my daughter was born the day before my mother’s birthday. If there is such a thing as divine timing, she was certainly meant to bring great joy in a time when I otherwise might have felt only sorrow. This week was also filled with birthday celebrations for her, and they’re still going!
I shared the following little story on Instagram, but wanted to include it here, too, since there are plenty of Substack readers who don’t follow me there:
On the eve of her birthday, Evie and I were lying in her bed talking about how, at that very moment nine years ago, I was having excruciating contractions at home, letting my body progress so the hospital would finally admit me after they’d turned us away hours earlier.
Evie winced; she’s terrified of pain. “Was it worth it?” she asked.
“Of course!” I said. “I’d go through it all again a million times to meet you. You’re my dream come true.”
And she is. My smart, sassy, strong, empathetic, beautiful, and talented girl. She completed (the human portion of) our family and has brought an incredible amount of joy, laughter, and awe into our lives from day one.
I’m reflecting a lot on the experience of being Evie’s mother as I pursue my book dream. The story I want to tell is as much about motherhood as it is about daughterhood. After I gave birth, I didn’t write much about it beyond Evie’s birth story because it was a complicated experience, as my mother began to decline around the same time.
I became a mother to my daughter, then a mother to my mother, then a mother to myself once I realized I still needed a specific type of support and care my mother could no longer provide. I’m still processing all of this, and I hope to share what I’ve learned in some meaningful way.
Every life brings with it a tremendous amount of pain, both coming and going. It’s all so very worth it.